SO SAD

by Elly Kingdon

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'SO SAD'. Seven songs all written in February about mental health. Specifically about anxiety and depression and the daily effects they can have on a person (in this case me). Mental health is something that is difficult to talk about but it's important to know the way you feel is always valid and if you have any concerns there are people you can talk to for both medical and emotional support. It still seems really scary to me but I am trying to get better at being vocal about it, which is a big part of why I wrote these songs. I hope you like them x

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released February 28, 2013

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Elly Kingdon Birmingham, Alabama

Music from my house in Birmingham.

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Track Name: Medication that isn't working.
im tired of medication that isnt working
im tired of feeling sad
im tired of wakin up some days
and wishing i was dead
my heart crushes my ribs
with the pain its carrying
Im tired of hating myself whenever im alone
im tired of crying everytime I think about my mum and dad
it feels like I have failed them
im scared that i have failed them
im tired of being terrified to walk into a lecture hall
im tired of being so scared to just open an e-mail
cause when I walk in
I hear a voice that says youre so worthless
I am tired of being scared to just visit my friends
I know that I have let down almost all of you
I promise il try and make it up to you one day
but the way I feel has control of my mind and my body.
Track Name: Riding my bike leads to thinking too much.
I went for a ride on my bike
and it felt nice to get out, to go outside
I could hear lots of different kinds of birds
and I wish I could be one of them
It made me think about
when I first learned to ride
in congleton park
and the first time my dad let go of me
and I didn't fall off
and I think about what that little girl would say now
if she saw herself at 21
I think she'd be let down by the supposed adult she'd become
I wish I could tell her why I feel so sad
or why so many adults do
I wish I could explain why we grow up to be people
we never wanted to be
but she just looks so happy
I tried to hang on to the child inside
and never let my dreams fade out
i tried so hard not to just do things
to please someone else
and when youre ten years old it seems so easy
but at 21 it starts sounding crazy
and im so tired and im so lonely
and its scary to think so many people feel this way.
I dont know how to actually be an adult
I dont even really how to actually pay for bills
or sort out taxes
I find it hard enough to just get out of bed everyday and breathe.
Track Name: I find it hard to believe that anybody can leave university without mental health issues.
I cant concentrate
and i cant do my degree
and theres an impending feeling
that ill fail everybody around me
and another sleepless night
is another day to feel alone
and ill just cry to your heart breaks
when I get home
And I find it hard to believe
that anybody can leave university
without mental health issues
I've lived in halls and student houses
and however good it may start out
it always just fucks up in the end
so ive moved back in with my mum and dad
away from uni, drinking and macho men
away from sitting in my room, wishing i was dead.
Track Name: Wide eyes, dry mouth.
I wake up in the morning
and it takes me so long
before i have the strength to move.
I am paralysed by panic
i'm chained to the bed with worry.
My eyes are wide and my mouth is dry
I wish i could rip all of my hair out most of the time
these 'coping mechanisms'
are nothing more than destructive attempts at life.
I just wanna feel alright
When I go to university
panic sets in and attacks come frequently
sitting in lecture halls
is one of the hardest things for me.
Medication isn't working
it just makes everything feel numb
and im still waking up at night
covered in sweat and crying all the time.
I just wanna feel like everything might be alright.
I am so frustrated at my brain
the way that it can't concentrate
and what it does to my heart rate
Track Name: Vital organs
it is sunny and its pretty warm today
im wearing leggings
i dont wanna show my legs to anybody.
I went out for a while in my car
and the roads were dry
they were nice to drive on
it felt right to roll the windows down
my brain wont stop
i get so frustrated when i'm alone
i just get so mad at myself
and i do things i regret like 20 minutes later
its like my bodies being taken over by a monster
who really hates my guts
but no one could ever hate me as much as I do
Realistically i know that im not alone
but the message never seems to make it through
Maybe im really empty, just skins,bones, vital organs
and sadness that fills me up and makes me break
my brain wont stop
it wont let me start to live
Track Name: I either sleep too much or not enough.
I used to wish i didnt have to sleep
now sleeping is my favourite thing to do
I used to wish that I didn't have to sleep
so I could spend all my time having fun with you
now the less hours that im awake the better
I try to force myself back into slumber
being awake is just too painful it's too hard
but when im sleeping nothing hurts
When I wake up
I stare at the wall
and I think about my life
how easy it is to just shut my eyes
but ive got to remember that its okay
if the only thing i managed
was to breathe today.
Track Name: Stoke-On-Trent (the best city on earth)
It is february i'm writing an ep
about the deterioration of my mental health
i say to myself for the first time
youre not very well
It is february
this month has been awful
and ive never felt more alone and thats nobodies fault
but I feel like such a burden
that I try to remove myself
and on new years eve
i said that this year would be the one
where I actually try to be strong enough
to have some friends
without losing my shit
I am really scared
I am falling apart
and aimee says she can remember me the way I used to be
i wish i could
my heart just feels like its gonna give up
i was 16, 16
my home town was magical
just the way it should be
I was only a baby then
picnics at harriseahead
walks to mow cop
barefoot
driving in your car
when we should have been at school
when we should have been at school
home is not this feeling
home is stoke city centre
home is not this feeling
home is hanley forest park
home is not this feeling
its drinking pop and eating hummus sandwiches
after dark on a dodgy looking car park
its car boots and charity shops
and smiling because its always over cast grey here without fail and no one really knows why
its the train station and how many people ive hugged there when they were getting in and saying goodbye
even on the darkest days
youre still here